Ali Baba and the Four Helmets
When "yes" means "not gonna happen".
This Substack is about life in Việt Nam from the viewpoint of a 10-year expat who spent his first 60 years in a low-context culture.
Tapping the ❤️ at the top or bottom of the page and/or leaving a comment will let me know your thoughts and feelings, which are important and valuable to me. Doing so also helps others find this article. Thank you.
Protecting Their Future
During my first visit to Vietnam in 2013/2014, I was taken aback by the great number of children who rode motorbikes without a helmet. After a bit of research, I found that by law only children six-years-old and older have to wear a helmet. This is exacerbated by the fact that there is virtually zero safety education, so the great majority of people in Vietnam wear what may, if you squint hard, pass for a helmet only “so the police don’t stop me.”
Once I moved here in late 2014, I decided to find a way to donate child-size helmets to kids in disadvantaged neighborhoods through the schools. After quite a bit of research, I commissioned made-in-Vietnam Protec helmets to make almost 800 special hi-viz helmets for me with
This helmet protects my future
in Vietnamese imprinted on both sides.
In September 2015, I donated helmets to the first school — with help from a few friends, most notably Vy (pronounced Vee), my translator and assistant.
We had a great session in which we fitted over 230 students and were, frankly, pretty high on the whole experience.
This is gonna get interesting…
After we finished fitting all students, teachers, and staff with a helmet, I was chatting with a couple of the kids and noticed Vy, another helper, and one of the principals talking rather animatedly with two 30-something women I'd never seen before. Vy called me over and, with her translating, one of the two women told me that they were “from the government” and needed to check to ensure that the helmets were safe for the children to wear.
My brain screamed, “WHAT THE FCUK?” as I calmly said,
“These children had NO helmets two hours ago. Are you telling me that you think the top-quality Protec helmets I just gave them, the best motorbike helmets for children that you can buy today in Vietnam, might be worse than no helmets at all, which is what almost all of them had this morning?”
Their response was approximately
The helmets might be counterfeit and we have to test them to ensure that they are genuine.
I showed them the Protec name on the side strap,
on the protective foam,
on the liner,
and on the back of the helmet
— all things that Protec at the time showed on their web site that prove that it's a genuine Protec helmet.
The holographic seal on the back (see last photo above) is the Vietnamese government’s approval; the helmet meets May 2011 Vietnamese standards. If you look closely, you'll also see Protec's government-issues quality control (QC) number “QC0001” denoting that they were the first Vietnamese helmet manufacturer to earn a QC rating for their helmets.
We still need to test them.
Me: “Okay, let’s talk about this.”
To myself: “We’re in Việt Nam.
“I’m not at all getting the “I’m from the government” vibe.
”Directly calling them out will just make everyone lose face (look weak).
“Whatever helmets they ‘need to test’ are actually for their personal use.
“They are NOT leaving here with even a single helmet.
“This is going to be fun!”
To them: “I'll call Protec right now and they will verify the helmets’ authenticity for you.”
And I did.
Even after getting Protec's verbal verification, the woman said (no surprise)
We still need helmets to test. We also think it’s best if you take the helmets from the children today until after we do our testing.
I immediately did something foreigners should ALWAYS do when speaking words of consequence through a translator. I told Vy to make absolutely sure that the woman knew that Vy was only saying MY words and that nothing she said for the next few minutes came from her; it would only be her translating exactly what I said.
It’s one thing for a foreigner to mouth off to or disparage the government here. Worst case, they deport me. If Vy is seen as disrespectful to her government, it could have a very negative effect on her immediate and/or distant future. She was in her early 20's with a LOT more to lose than I, and I wanted to make it crystal clear that they know the words are MINE, just in case they really were from the government.
Back to the two women:
“Okay, no problem. There are two ways you can take the children's brand new helmets away from them, because I will not do it.
“Your first option is that I will go to the podium and make an announcement that the government is here to take everyone’s new helmet away from them.
“Your second option is to stand outside the gate and take every helmet off every child’s head as they pass through.
“Either way, I'll bet you don't make it home tonight without first going to the hospital.”
The implication they fully understood was that the parents would have a strong opinion about the two women not in uniform trying to take their child's beautiful new helmet away. This is Vietnam, where dog thieves caught in the act have been beaten to death by the locals before the police arrived.
They looked at each other, paused, and then the speaking one said,
"We'll let them keep them for now."
Ahhhh... the un-offered door number 3... a good and wise choice.
But we're still going to need to take helmets with us to test.
Me: “Okay, no problem. What do you need?”
Vy (urgently whispering) to me: “You said you will never give any bribe, why are you telling them they can have helmets?”
Me to Vy: “Trust me. I know what I'm doing. Just say what I say.”
I wanted to say to her, “Trust me, grasshopper…” but then I would have to explain why I called her grasshopper.
Again, to the women: “What do you need?”
We need two size medium and two size small. We will test them and bring them back to you within 24 hours.
Me (to myself):
This is Viet Nam; nothing is ever returned. What westerners call “lending” is actually “giving” and everyone loses face if you ask that it be returned.
IF they were really testing them, it would be to destruction.
AND they would want to test two of each size—small, medium, and adult.
Me (to them): “Okay, no problem. I just need a receipt signed by each of you saying that I am giving you four helmets for testing and that you will return them within 48 hours. I know you said 24 hours, and I want to make sure you have all the time you need. I also need the receipt to say that if for any reason you do not return all four of the helmets, you will pay me 5 million VN dong (~US$225).”
Each woman's jaw dropped a little and they looked at each other. Whatever their jobs really are, they probably make less than 10 million VND per month.
I continued, “AND I'll need photos of your government ID and your ID numbers on the receipt below your signatures.”
Vy smiled. She now understood.
The women whispered briefly to each other before announcing
We do not need to take any helmets tonight. If we later decide we do need helmets to test, we will contact Protec directly.
They then left rather quickly — and without saying goodbye.
They could’ve just asked
Vy and I smiled, as did everyone watching the drama. This is Vietnam, so there were a LOT of parents eavesdropping.
Vy later told me that everyone who witnessed the exchange couldn’t believe that I had said “No!” to the government and was not in handcuffs and on my way to who knows where. I responded that I never said “No”; I said “Yes, and...”
If you tell someone, especially a real government official, “No”, they are going to feel the need to push back. If you tell them, “Yes, and...” it puts them off their guard. In this case, so much so that they immediately gave up.
If the women really needed helmets for testing, they would give me the requested receipt or tried to negotiate the terms offered. I was correct in thinking they were actually there to collect four helmets for themselves and that my request for a receipt would never be granted. My “yes” to them gave a better result than a “no” would have, and it kept me from the very remote possibility of saying no to a legitimate government request.
This post is called “Ali Baba and the Four Helmets” because in Vietnam, thieves, criminals, and bad people are often referred to as “Ali Baba” with the emphasis on the first syllable of each word: Ál-e Bá-Ba. These women were not from the government. They tried to take four helmets by subterfuge. This makes them, in everyone's mind, Ali Baba. Numerous parents and teachers said as much to us that night... after the women left.
What’s unfortunate is that if they had come to me and said,
Our children don’t go to this school, but we want them to have good, safe helmets. Could you please give us two medium and two small for them?
I would have said, “Of course!” and given them the helmets. Over the 16 or so months that I had helmets to give away, my landlord asked for and got two; a little girl whose parents saw my daughter’s and asked her mom where she got it got one; another little girl we saw at her parents’ restaurant got one;
each of neighborhood kids got one; a mechanic I knew in Saigon asked for and got two for his daughters; another Saigon acquaintance got one for his granddaughter; and quite a few others who were not part of the schools we visited also got a helmet. I even gave a few to kids I saw riding with their parents and without helmets — after I asked the parents if it was okay, of course.
It wasn’t that I was stingy with them, it was that I would not reward lying or subterfuge.
This encounter at the first school led to undercover cops attending the donation event at the second school (see my upcoming post to be published on 22 Sept). I didn't even know they were there until after the event when I was reviewing the photos with one of our volunteers. She was an over-30-year resident of Dalat who knows many of the local cops, so when she pointed to one of the men I thought was a parent and said, “He is police,” I believed her. I asked why he was there, and she said that after the self-proclaimed ‘government officials’ tried to glom helmets at the first school, the police chief assigned undercover officers to be at the second school in case something similar happened.
She added that a few traffic police were also there in plainclothes (probably both to keep a low profile and so the civilians didn't freak out) because they were very happy I was giving helmets to children and wanted to see it first-hand. Will that help me when I get pulled over? Doubtful, though who knows?
We never saw the Ali-Baba again. I almost wish they or someone else had tried something similar; I would’ve enjoyed seeing them interact with the police.
In case you’re wondering, about a year later I talked with my contact at Protec. She assured me that no one from the government anywhere in Lâm Đồng (our province) ever contacted them about testing helmets.
These helmets could well make a difference in people's lives. It's a very kind gift. Also remind them to cross railroad tracks on a perpendicular angle.
I guess the thinking goes, you don't need a helmet if your head is still a little soft. YIKES!!